Published in: Laughter Club

Where Art Thou?

Author Piyusha Vir

Published on: November 22, 2016

Republished for the purpose of this blogathon that is supported by Woo, The most popular match making app in India with a base of over 3.5 million users.”

Dear Future Husband,

How are you doing?

I am well and have been searching for you high and low. Where exactly are you hiding? Are you under the table or behind the curtains? Are you sitting inside the oven or in the attic?

Or are you on another planet altogether. (If so, please let me know so that I may walk across the galaxy and come visit you)

I ask because everybody and his second cousin three times removed and her hamster have been very worried about you and your existence. They say that if you haven’t surfaced yet, the chances of you doing so now seem remote.

Really, is that true? I am extremely offended by your behavior.

I am an awesome person, you know. I can achieve impossible feats. Here’s a list of things that I have actually managed to do –

1. I had managed to put my foot in my mouth at the tender age of 2 months, and have done it again and again, everyday of my life now. I know for a fact that, that record remains unchallenged till date.
2. I also speak Alienese, something that no real human has been able to do yet.
3. Apart from the above two mind-numbing feats, I can also laugh like a hyena, a mad woman and a witch at the same time. Do you need a sample right now?
4. I can talk nonsense for hours, without getting tired. Your ears would ache, and I still wouldn’t know. You would probably fall asleep, but I, would still keep at it. If you manage to stay awake, you may decide to walk away, in which case, I would be left staring at the wall, waiting for it to respond. But, I shall not complain ever.

It isn’t easy to get all this done at such a young age as mine. It takes a lot of practice, hard work, perseverance – sitting idle for hours without any distraction, talking to fictional characters intently and patiently waiting for them to reply. They take their own sweet time, you know.

I am also great at cooking. I keep trying new recipes occasionally, which you will get to sample before anyone else. You have the chance to tell me what is burnt, what is undercooked and what has excess salt. I wouldn’t dream of letting anyone do that before you have had the chance to sample my culinary delicacies. You, and only you, would be my guinea pig. And you absolutely must try the tea I brew. You would very happily spit it out as soon as you took a sip. For 15 years now, I have consistently made horrible tea. It takes great effort and practice to reach that level of perfection.

I am extremely focused and dedicated to whatever I do. You would be amazed at the confusion and chaos I create. Again, it takes a lot of will power to reach that level of unorganized perfection.

I am a great entertainer. I can outperform any donkey or monkey. Infact, even in my sleep.  You just need to say the magic word, “Sing” and I can come with the most outrageous sounds, unheard of in the history (as well as future) of Mankind. I can dance like no other mad woman (my dancing skills are even better than my laughing skills).

My beauty has no match. I can look like Medusa, even without putting on any prosthetics or make up. Infact, as soon as I wake up I look exactly like something the cat just dragged in.

I have no interest in frivoulous activities like shopping at local markets – looking for shoes, clothes, bags, or cosmetics etc. You would easily be able to save huge sums of money that I will, with great planning and calculation, spend in dining at expensive restaurants, staying at luxury hotels, travelling in Lamborghinis. Corvette would also do. Infact, I am quite accommodating that way, and would easily settle for BMW’s M6 also. If you can manage to get me K.I.T.T from the Knight Rider 2012 TV series, I will be quite content for the next 2 months and shall not asking you anything about your ex-girlfriends or your female colleagues and even your ogling would be forgiven.

I have my own list of minor and easily achievable expectations. It is only fair that you give me atleast equal if not more in return for what I do for you.

So, here’s a list of things that I would like.

You must be able to

• look like Derek Shepherd,
• think like Will McAvoy
• sing and dance like … Me,
• love and romance like Romeo,
• make more than Bill Gates and Carlos Slim, combined.

I also, wouldn’t mind if you have exceptional mind reading skills like Edward Cullen (not that you would need it, considering I would anyway blurt out whatever’s on my mind).

Forgive me for saying this, but, it is extremely irresponsible of you to leave me alone in this fly infested world. I admit I am no damsel in distress but is it not your prerogative to slay all dragons and be my knight in shining armor! Until now, I can only see me being the dare-devil Empress in la la land.

Unlike you who has left me unprotected, I wouldn’t let any harm befall you. Infact, I would conscientiously protect you by scaring away all the flies and bumblebees, with my Ninja like moves, swishing and brandishing my shiny and scary peelers and butter knives. I cannot, however, say that I would do the same incase if mosquitoes were to approach you, since I am known to have lost many a fight against them.

I hope I have given you enough reasons to show up and marry me. I am lonely, you know. My four dogs, three cats, two parrots, one horse and one turtle are not enough to love, cherish and take care of me, in sickness and in health. I need you too, you see.

You know what? I shall take the higher ground here and forgive you. For not showing up until now. As long as you do so within the next 5 minutes.

If not, you may please sleep on the couch tonight. And tomorrow… And every other night. Until you learn your lesson and finally decide to marry me.

Until then… Take care. Eat Well.

Lots of love,

Your loving and thoughtful future wife!